Old Hollywood running wild. The Renfros and the Ledgers of the world have nothing on Hollywood’s 91-year old set, where “live hard, die slow” is the motto. Ernest Borgnine was recently evicted after shuffling naked through his rest home, high on a cocktail of ecstasy, PCP and glucosamine. Borgnine blames the PCP, saying Kirk Douglas sold it to him as purported “mescaline.” Joan Fontaine has been photographed getting out of a car sans underwear—twice—this year and who could forget Barbara Billingsley’s tongue kiss with a much younger (at age 86) Bea Arthur at a Grandparent of the Year luncheon.

Vampire Weekend. The band with the “Upper Westside Soweto” sound has pitted Ivy League-educated blog critic against Ivy League-educated blog critic. It’s a war that white community leaders are calling “yet another example of the madness destroying our people.”

Uwe Boll’s Actionist films. You know him for his video game-to-film adaptations like BloodRayne and Postal but in his youth he was a key filmmaker associated with the bodily fluid-obsessed performance artists, the Vienna Actionists. A DVD of his short subjects is scheduled for this April.

Vicki Iseman’s work history. See if you can guess which one of the following was a job previously held by lobbyist Iseman: on tour-Reiki master for the late Dimebag Darrell; script doctor for the movie Roadhouse; personal hair sculptor to Charlie Rose.

Celebrity disease parties. Ashton Kutcher’s Hepatitis A-themed birthday party at New York’s Socialista was the first public hint of a voguish fascination with developing world diseases. Insiders say the stars are doing it for the pure edge thrills. Cynics say it’s for the weight loss. Either way, don’t even try to crash Shia LaBouf’s upcoming Yellow Fever-themed party at Bungalow 8, or Casey Affleck’s Dengue bash at Koi.

The missing scenes from the Tom Cruise Scientology video. Scenes suppressed until now include: Cruise donning a Ghostbusters-like outfit then blasting CGI “engrams” out of people with a ray gun; Sea Org members doing a dour chorus line to “In the Navy” and Beck performing the rap “OT (Original Thetan).”

Disclaimer: Brian Joseph Davis is celebrity columnist for Arthur Magazine.