Music Blogs

You probably didn't know that some of your favorite instrumental TV show themes have lyrics. I mean, we're TV junkies, and we had no idea. So we did some digging and found the little-known words to some of TV's musical classics and the stories behind them.

For example, Mike Altman was only 14 years old when he wrote the incredibly deep (especially for a teenager) lyrics for "Suicide Is Painless," the theme song for the movie "M*A*S*H":

The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger, watch it grin

Dad Robert Altman, the film's director, bought him his own guitar as payment. While the older Altman was paid $70,000 to direct the film, Mike went on to receive an additional $1 million in royalties for the hit. The song appears twice in the film with lyrics, in the opening-credit sequence (sung by Johnny Mandel) and during a scene when a character nicknamed "Painless Pole" attempts suicide. (The song is then performed by Ken Prymus, who plays Sergeant Seidman). The TV series chose an instrumental version instead.

GALLERY: View All of the TV Theme Songs with Forgotten Lyrics

The "I Love Lucy" Theme
While the series always featured an orchestral version of its theme, Desi Arnaz actually sang the "I Love Lucy" lyrics in the episode "Lucy's Last Birthday." Seems like writers Harold Adamson and Eliot Daniel neatly summed up Lucy and Desi's on- and off-screen relationship with the words:

I love Lucy and she loves me,
We're as happy as two can be,
Sometimes we quarrel but then again,
How we love making up again.

The "Star Trek" Theme
Alexander Courage wrote a kind of haunting and undeniably memorable instrumental theme for the TV series "Star Trek." The opening sequence combined the genius of William Shatner's monologue, an orchestral track featuring the wordless vocal stylings of Loulie Jean Norman, and accompanying Enterprise sound effects (that's Courage himself making "whoosh" sounds as the starship crosses frame). But unbeknownst to Courage, series creator Gene Rodenberry wrote lyrics for the theme. As legend has it, Roddenberry never intended to use the words; he just wanted 50 percent of the royalties for the song. Ethical issues aside, we understand why the lyrics didn't make the show:

I know his journey ends never.
His star trek will go on forever.
But tell him while
He wanders his starry sea,
Remember,
Remember me.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show" Theme
Let's face it: this is one of the greatest themes ever. After reading the pilot script for the series, composer Earle Hagen quickly wrote the song and created the arrangement. He found he had some time left over in a scoring session for "The Danny Thomas Show," so he had the musicians make a quick recording of Dick's theme. Much to Hagen's dismay, the version of the song used in the end credits was swapped out for the original recording used in the main title of the first 14 episodes. He was not a fan of bongos, and they can be heard prominently in the mix of the ultimate series theme. As for the unheard lyrics? They were written by Morey Amsterdam, who played Rob Petrie and Sally Rogers' writing partner, Buddy Sorrell. The words were never sung on the show, but Dick recorded the tune with his a cappella group Dick Van Dyke & the Vantastix in 2008. Here's a little taste of Morey's lyrical genius:

So you think that you've got troubles?
Well, trouble's a bubble.
So tell old Mr. Trouble to get lost!

"The Andy Griffith Show" Theme
Composer Earle Hagen (along with Herbert Spencer, who co-wrote the music) spent only about an hour penning a tune he wanted to be simple enough to whistle. So who's doing that famous whistling, you might wonder? It wasn't trained parrots, as some rumors suggest... it was Hagen himself. And the finger-snapping? That's Earle's 11-year-old son, Deane.

Everett Sloane's unheard lyrics echo a simpler life in a small town:

Come on, take down your fishin' pole and meet me at the fishin' hole,
I can't think of a better way to pass the time o' day.

Series producer Sheldon Leonard reportedly created the show's heartwarming opening to match, with Sheriff Andy and his boy, Opie, walking down a dirt path on their way to a peaceful day of father-and-son fishing.

The "Hogan's Heroes" Theme
You've got to love a theme song that rhymes the worlds "heroes" and "ear-o's," as is the case here.

We present for your enjoyment:

Heroes, heroes, husky men of war,
Sons of all the heroes of the war before.
We're all heroes up to our ear-o's
You ask the questions
We make suggestions
That's what we're heroes for.

But the coolest thing about the "Heroes" theme? The show's star, Bob Crane, played drums on the track.

The "I Dream of Jeannie" Theme
The music you think of as the "I Dream of Jeannie" theme song didn't become the show's opener until Season 2. The first featured a jazz piece by composer Richard Wess. But when the show returned, Hugo Montenegro wrote a new tune to accompany the brand-spanking-new color animated title sequence. Sadly, we didn't get to hear the genius lyrics by Buddy Kaye that went along with it. Here's our favorite verse:

She smiles, presto the rain goes.
She blinks, up come the rainbows.
Cars stop, even the train goes slow.

Buddy shouldn't feel too badly, though. The legendary team of Gerry Goffin and Carole King had also written a theme song, but it was rejected by producer Sidney Sheldon before the series began.

The "Bonanza" Theme
The "Bonanza" theme went through many incarnations during the series' 14-season run, including a two-year period when a different piece was used. That was "The Big Bonanza," written by David Rose. But the majority of the seasons used some treatment of the original tune by Jay Livingston and Ray Evans. The theme has been recorded by popular artists from country legend Johnny Cash to show tune crooner Michael Feinstein to ska band Bad Manners. Even Lorne Greene did a version. With lyrics as brilliant as this, who wouldn't want to get in on the action:

Here we stand in the middle of a grand Bonanza,
With a gun and a rope and a hatful of hope,
We planted our family tree,
We got hold of a pot full of gold, Bonanza.
With a houseful of friends where the rainbow ends,
How rich can a fellow be?

The "Bewitched" Theme
As the "Bewitched" pilot was being completed, the producers decided to use Frank Sinatra's "Witchcraft" as the temporary theme song. But no one wanted to spend a lot of money to license the original piece, so show creator Sheldon Leonard hired the Tin Pan Alley writing duo of Howard Greenfield and Jack Keller to come up with a new song. Within the week Greenfield and Keller penned the tune, recorded a demo, and sent the song to Hollywood. The tune was approved, but the words didn't make the small screen. We're not sure why, they were perfect:

Before I knew what you were doing I looked in your eyes.
That brand of woo that you've been brew-in' took me by surprise.

Even a second-season shift to include the lyrics was shot down because no one wanted to pay Jerry Vale $2,500 to record the vocals. Ever wonder how they made that Samantha nose twitch sound? It's a xylophone, of course.

GALLERY: Watch all the Theme Song Videos

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