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Big-screen remakes of rock musicals have a checkered history, at best. That’s why when it was announced that MTV was rebooting the nearly perfect midnight-movie classic The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Howard Stern had his heart set on revamping the Ramones’ classic 1970s ode to teen rebellion, Rock ’N’ Roll High School, we crossed our fingers and hoped for the best.

You see, rock musicals are not easy. For every perfectly executed A Hard Day’s Night, Stop Making Sense, and Velvet Goldmine, there’s a truly terrible idea that made it to the screen, like, say, Detroit Rock City, Light Of Day, or Prey For Rock & Roll, all of which make rock seem about as cool as a game of Mahjong with your granny.

This got us thinking about some of the classic rock movies that are so great they should be sealed inside a Gator road case, buried at Graceland next to Elvis, and screened only once a decade to preserve their awesomeness . . . and, of course, the ones that are near perfect, but could still be remade with a fresh twist.

 

THE UNTOUCHABLES

Velvet Goldmine (1998)

When David Bowie wouldn’t play ball, this Oscar Wilde-inspired swan dive into the glam-rock scene became the tale of the fictitious bisexual Ziggy Stardust-esque Brian Slade, whose faked death is investigated, Citizen Kane-style, by British journo Arthur Stewart (Christian Bale). Sex, drugs, glitter, more drugs, more sex, tons more glitter, fabulous clothes, and a soundtrack featuring members of Radiohead, Suede, Roxy Music, the Stooges, Sonic Youth, and Mudhoney. The trailer hardly does the movie’s head-spinning look and feel justice. Hands off.

 

 

This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

There’s no such thing as a perfect rock movie. But if there was, this scathing look at the pomposity and cluelessness of a fictional British heavy metal band is damn near the filmic “Stairway To Heaven.” From the now legendary amp that “goes to 11” to the embarrassing backstage maze to nowhere and the miniscule Stonehenge set, the gut-busting saga of Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest), David St. Hubbins (Michael McKean), and Derek Smalls (Harry Shearer) should never, ever, ever be touched. Below is proof that some solos really do go on forever.

 

 

 

Almost Famous (2000)

Maybe it’s my day job as a rock journo, but this touching Cameron Crowe semi-biopic about a young reporter losing his innocence (and then some) on the road with a hard-driving, egomaniacal Southern-rock band and their ever-attentive groupies always deserves another look when it comes up late night on cable. Here we give you the movie’s signature moment. Don’t mess!

GREAT, BUT MIGHT BE FUN TO REMAKE

 

Sid & Nancy (1986)

 

Some rock movies are perfect and should never be messed with, but still beg for a redo, just because. In that column, might we suggest a Baz (Moulin Rouge) Luhrmann-style musical version of Alex Cox’s legendary Sid & Nancy? How awesome would it be to see Sid high-stepping it with a chorus line of dancing syringes while Nancy gets lost in a forest of leopard print and fishnet weeping willows? Casting suggestions: Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson.

 
 

 

 

The Apple (1980)

Don’t worry if this one doesn’t ring a bell. Unless you watched a lot of USA’s Night Flight you’ve probably never heard of this completely insane, bedazzled musical tale of Moose Jaw, Canada, folk naïfs Alphie and Bibi, who come to America to compete in the 1994 Worldvision Song Festival only to lose to flash-dancing duo Pandi and Dandi, who have the backing of evil musical genius Mr. Boogalow. Yeah, it’s a mouthful . . . and a brainful. Think Adam and Eve in sparkly Spandex with trippy showtunes. Bonus: the movie was choreographed by none other than American Idol co-producer Nigel Lythgoe. Casting suggestions for Alphie and Bibi: Miley Cyrus and Zac Efron.

 


 

Purple Rain (1984)

Yes, of all the Prince movies, this is the one that doesn’t totally blow. But imagine the story of the Kid fast-forwarded to 2008 and turned into the saga of a struggling beat-maker from Oakland with a wacky fashion flair and a taste for the high life? With a soundtrack of updated tunes by Chromeo, Kanye West, The Cool Kids, and Girl Talk. Casting suggestions: Neptunes/N*E*R*D leader Pharrell Williams and Katy “I Kissed A Girl” Perry as the love interest.

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