Sing, Don't Act!
Most people never really find their God-given talent. They think maybe they were born to paint, but they're not very good with a brush. Or they wonder if they'd excel at ballet, but they're 5-foot-11 and can't touch their toes.
Others are lucky enough to find their niche. They hone their craft — singing, let's say — and they're so good they become stars. They make records. People pay big bucks to see them. Then their egos kick in and they think, "Hey, if I'm this good at singing, I bet I'm a great actor." But for every Cher there are 20 Jessica Simpsons. So to those people we say: sing, don't act.
#10. Dolly Parton in NINE TO FIVE (1980)
We actually love to watch Dolly act. Nine To Five was just the springboard to The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas, Rhinestone, and Steel Magnolias — the crème de la crème of '80s schlock. But we'd rather hear Dolly sing than watch her in a movie, especially if all she's going to do is make appearances in Hannah Montana vehicles as Aunt Dolly Stewart.
#9. Roger Daltrey in TOMMY (1975)
It's hard for us to be objective and separate the music that is the heart and soul of this film from anything else about it. Daltrey really did pull off the faraway stare of a deaf, dumb, and blind kid. AND he sure played a mean pinball. But the reality is that if an actor sings through an entire movie, it's hard to classify the performance as pure acting. And honestly, none of the other roles he's played in the 33 years since have made us take notice.
#8. David Bowie in THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH (1976)
Bowie always looks good on film, so we always get excited when we hear he's doing something new. Then we see the flicks and realize that while the Thin White Duke might have excellent taste in clothes, music, and women, he doesn't necessarily pick the best material when it comes to the silver screen. And for an actor, the role is half the battle.
#7. Eminem in 8 MILE (2002)
Apparently, we aren't the only ones who thought Eminem should have stopped acting after 8 Mile. He must have thought so too. Aside from an episode of Crank Yankers (remember that nasty puppet show?) and a voiceover in the 50 Cent video game Bulletproof, he seemed to have retired from film. But now there are reports that he'll be returning in a big-screen adaptation of Have Gun — Will Travel. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.
#6. Sting in QUADROPHENIA (1979)
Sting, out of the gate, was amazing in Quadrophenia. But he never recaptured that magic. When did it really start to spiral? 1984, when he starred in the big-screen version of Dune. We think we left our patience for him in that 137-minute desert of a snoozer, because his movies and music have bored us ever since.
#5. Mick Jagger in PERFORMANCE (1970)
We LOVE Mick in this movie. He's so — what’s the word we're looking for — Mick Jagger. Did he have a script? Did he know he was in a movie? He was the perfect Mick. The only time he played a better Mick was in the unfortunately short-lived The Knights Of Prosperity. But we don't think either case is technically acting.
#4. Whitney Houston in THE BODYGUARD (1992)
We blame half of this on Kevin Costner. We LOVED Whitney's performance alongside her ex-husband in the shameful and short-lived reality show Being Bobby Brown. But sometimes people are better at playing out their real-life drama than doing it in character.
#3. Mariah Carey in GLITTER (2001)
What can be said about Mariah in Glitter that hasn't been said so many times before? We're glad she's back to being famous for singing, her weight, and her love life.
#2. Jessica Simpson in THE DUKES OF HAZZARD (2005)
This movie (along with Employee Of The Month) proves that Jessica wasn’t just acting the dumb blonde during the buffalo-wing debacle of '05. The wing bit was way too convincing.
#1. Vanilla Ice in COOL AS ICE (1991)
Vanilla Ice isn't a great rapper, and he's not really that good a dancer. And based on his violent MTV-set-destroying temper, we'd venture to say he might not be the greatest guy. But he's better at ALL of those things than he is at acting.
Check out our FlipBook of singers who should stick to singing.
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