My Birthday Gift to Miley Cyrus: Lessons on How to ROCK
Miley Cyrus is on top of the world. She's celebrating her 16th birthday at Disneyland, she's got a(nother) hit album, and every girl wants to be her. Only one problem. SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO ROCK. Miley Cyrus represents everything that's wrong with current pop music. It's fabricated, phoned-in, self conscious, soulless, board room created product. It's style over substance and has no ability to generate feelings other than the urge to buy a matching Miley Cyrus lunchbox.
On Miley's new album she covers Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". Instead of taking a cue from Cyndi's '80s thrift shop soul, Miley turns the song into a hopped up, cut-and-paste exercise. Not one bent note. Not one hiccup. Not one strip of pink in the hair. The girl doesn't swing.
Miley could learn a thing or two from the great '80s rock chicks; artists who weren't tied to a teleprompter or afraid to let their mascara run. Miley needs a serious primer. So here are some singers I hope Miley has in her iPod while she's standing in line for Space Mountain. Consider it an early birthday gift. No thank you card is necessary.
CHRISSIE HYNDE
The grande dame of '80s rock chicks. She was sultry and cool. Plus, she written some of the best rock songs EVER! Chrissie Hynde is the blueprint for any teenage pop star wannabe looking to have some real cred.
PAT BENATAR
Probably the best singer of the bunch, Pat Benatar brought barroom grit to the big stage. Say what you will about her questionable fashion choices, Pat was purely authentic. No focus groups were polled in the making of her records.
TINA TURNER
Okay, a litle unfair since she started her career in the 1960s but Tina Turner's biggest success came in the '80s with her Private Dancer album. She's everything a female pop star should be: sexy, soulful and spontaneous.
CYNDI LAUPER
Her makeup, hair and general quirkiness overshadow the fact that Cyndi Lauper was one the most soulful chicks to come out of the '80. She could hang with Aretha Franklin and sing Marvin Gaye tunes (check her cover of "What's Going On"). Let's see Miley attempt that.
THE BANGLES
The Bangles are proof that short skirts and electric guitars go hand-in-hand. They are one of the great all-girl groups, backing up their looks with a serious pop-rock pedigree. Plus they had harmonies and guitar jangle for days.
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How many kids "having some fun" do YOU know who are also multimillionaires? Hmm? Til you do, shut up and quit defending this fetus. Yeah, she's a kid, but I see no reason to leave her alone--she, and her dad/production team have shoved her into every facet of pop culture. Aren't you the least bit sick of her?
She has plenty of time to grow up, mature, get hooked and drugs and have real life experiences to sing about. For now she's just chewing her bubble gum all the way to the bank.
but honestly lets think for a second... mileys life is probably soooo hard. rushed from here to there, barely enough time to do anything SHE would probably want to do, bugged by hords of people at all times, probably while shes trying to do things like talk to here family or eat. hated by like half the population that is aware of her. i would love to have even ONE person switch with her for like a day... youd see how hard it is for a grown adult let alone a 16 year old.
who knows maybe she thrives on it, but i know from expierience that riches and fame often come with a terrible cost, loss of self.
i say anyone in the public eye hounded all the time that doesnt go beserk every now and again i have mad respect for, 16 or not. bottom line is maybe her dad did get her into the business.... but she created her own staying power... and it's hard to be THAT famous.
ive seen her rehearse.. seen her live. she can actually sing ok... better than most of the popy chicks. i will say that unfortunately her band is terrible though...deffinitly a look at them... then hear them kinda group... i would start there if she wanted musical respect.... get some good musicians.
ohhh btw... im a miley writer....trust me were not allowed to wright the way WE would wright... pay no mind disney is running a business.... and with miley its an incedibly successfull one.
p.s. still cant spell hehe