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Heard about Kanye's tantrum last night after the Video Music Awards? He's mad that they India.Arie'd¹ him. He was nominated for five awards and didn't take home anything but that bad attitude he stepped into the game with. To top it off, he did not get to perform on the main stage. His show was relegated to a mere hotel suite performance.

At the end of the night, he kicked and screamed backstage that he would never appear on the show again.

Man, I'm really dying to hear what the MTV execs have to say in response. But of course any statement released is going to be so full of political correctness that we'll never get the real truth.

So here's what I propose. When I was in school, I was good for writing my own absence notes and just having my parents sign them. I was so good that when my younger siblings needed notes, I would write them for them as well. I am more than happy to extend this service to MTV.

Here's the response letter I propose that MTV use free of charge. Can someone please forward this to the powers that be? Alls they need to do is to sign it at the bottom.

[CUT AND PASTE ON MTV LETTERHEAD]

Monday, September 10, 2007

Dear Mr. West,

We received via grapevine your complaint about your role in last night's Video Music Awards. We appreciate your business and wanted to make sure that we promptly addressed your concerns.

With regard to you not receiving any of the five awards for which you were nominated, we offer the following explanations:

Video of the Year
We are quite sure that you are not upset that you did not beat out Rihanna in this category. This was a no brainer. In case you haven't seen the video or your labelmate Rihanna, she is much hotter than you. Where have you been for the last six months? "Umbrella" is the song and video that everyone has been talking about.

We have to admit that we did consider giving the award to Justice, but considering how pissed off you got at the European Music Awards last year when you lost to his song with Simian, we thought that that joke might be a little too much for you to handle.

Even still, Justin Timberlake's "What Goes Around..." was a better contender than "Stronger."

Male Artist of the Year
We are also of the belief that you do not think that you deserved this award over Justin. I mean, after he brought "SexyBack," he kept is coming with "My Love" and "What Goes Around..." Actually, that album is still rocking.

Congrats on "Stronger" reaching No. 2 on the Hot 100 chart this week. However, please contact us when it's held down No. 1 for about 8 weeks. Set some kind of record. Then we may come to the conclusion that we made a mistake. But as of now, we maintain that we have made the right decision.

Quadruple Threat of the Year
Oh oh. Guess you lost out to Justin again here. Hmmm. Did you catch the title? Say it with us, "Qua-dru-ple Threat." I know you are a college dropout and all, but that means four talents.

Let's count:

Justin can
1) sing
2) dance
3) act
4) write songs

You can
1) rap
2) produce
3) Can you help me out here? Last time I checked, complaining or having a superior bad attitude did not count as a talent. Sorry. Wrong awards show.

Best Director
Man. Maybe you do have a point. JT got you three times. Hehehe. Excuse us for laughing. (That was unprofessional.)

We have to admit that the directing in the "Stronger" video was pretty clever, next level, and out of the box. But unfortunately, the Pretty Clever, Next Level, And Out Of The Box category did not make the cut for this year's show. We were thinking about adding it to next year's show, but we guess you won't be there, so there won't be a need.

This category is actually called Best Director. Considering the execution of the cinematography, location, and acting by both Justin and Scarlett Johansson displayed in this video, there really should not be any confusion as to why this honor was not bestowed to you. Please consider that the racy love scenes between Justin and Scarlett in this video were rumored to be part of the reason why JT and Cameron Diaz broke up. The fact that this video was released shortly after JT and CD's big break up added to the hype.

You really can't be mad at that. Creating hype to get attention for oneself is not too different than what you and 50 are doing with your big September 11 release date competition.

Best Editing in a Video
Gnarls Barkley "Smiley Faces" got this.

Have you ever considered that you attitude costs you votes?

Have we successfully answered all of your questions today?

If not, please contact us at cant_tell_us_nothing@mtv.com.

And good luck in outselling 50 Cent tomorrow.

There goes another one of those unprofessional jokes.

Sincerely,

Video Music Awards Planning Committee

X_________________________

1. Common, "The People"