Music Blogs

As Barack Hussein Obama joked that obviously the parents who named him never envisioned him running for President, it's pretty obvious that plenty of others were born with no vision to their future careers either. But unlike Barack who has since forged his path to the highest office in the nation without changing his name, these folks chose a path of lesser resistance. Can't say I blame them. If high school kids the world over are going to write your name on their school books, you want to give them a fighting chance.

For every kid who ever scribbled LEAD ZEPPLIN on a book cover, there was another who spelled Ray Manzarek's name right every time! Now that's a fan! And while it's sad to suggest that Tori Amos fans might not have been as excited by their fearless leader had she stuck with Myra Ellen, I can't help but think "Tori" works as a better calling card.

Here are ten worth contemplating:

10) Flavor Flav--William Jonathan Drayton, Jr.: I just don't hear a track called "Cold Lampin' With William Jonathan Drayton, Jr." having quite the same cache. To say nothing of his Flavor of Love program. What? Dating the Drayton?

9) Meat Loaf--Marvin Lee Aday: I'm not thinking Meat Loaf was much of an improvement. I know the man's a big man but do you want to draw such attention? But what do I know? I haven't sold ten records never mind the millions this man turns with each installment of Bat Out Of Hell. But I still think Marvin Lee Aday at least has a rhythm to it. Unlike some other less fortunates on this list.

8) Momus--Nick Currie: Even with the snazzy one name, Momus hasn't become a household name. And you know why? Because there's one mass conspiracy against this guy. But it isn't from those of us here at Yahoo! who have it written into our contracts that we will mention him at least once a year or else be forced to attend a "sensitivity seminar." Those things are bogus!

7) Muddy Waters--McKinley Morganfield: The weird thing about blues musicians is that their real names are often just as cool as the ones they adopt for fame. Muddy Waters is a classic. Imagine trying this today. What do we have now, Kid Rock? McKinley Morganfield sounds as if his parents were thinking their child could run for President. Had he lived another 100 years, it might have happened. It's all about timing.

6) Kid Rock--Robert James Ritchie: With three first names, Kid Rock might have had a chance. But Kid Rock says SHOW BUSINESS. And while he's now no longer a kid, he still acts like one whenever he gets a chance. Which in the dwindling world of rock ‘n' roll means quite often. Had he gone into law, he would've been forced to behave in a professional manner and shave regularly.

5) Johnny Thunders--John Anthony Genzale, Jr: Back in the 1970s, kids grew up wanting to be rock stars. Unlike say Kurt Cobain, Johnny Thunders had no qualms with standing in the spotlight and asking for drugs, women and anything else he damn well wanted. That's why he became a rock star. Not to preach about some higher form of developed existence. But to act like a jerk and get away with it!

4) Tori Amos--Myra Ellen Amos: Actually, I think it would be really cool if she had kept the Myra Ellen thing going. It would make her seem even more seductive, like those librarians who wear their hair up in a bun with those glasses but who once you get a few Alabama Slammers down their throat turn into...well, I don't know what actually happens. I've never gotten that far. But I hear it's really swell!

3) Perry Farrell--Peretz Bernstein: Mike Farrell was on MASH. I suppose that's where Perry got the inspiration. Others tell me it's some kind of pun on "peripheral" but that doesn't make much sense. It's not like Al Cohol. Or even Moe Hawk. Then again, some rockers aim lower than others.

2) Pat Benatar--Patricia Mae Andrzejewski: Polish girls got it bad. All those consonants and syllables just waiting to be misspelled and mispronounced. That name has housewife written all over it. Pat sensed this. Even though this would have ensured that she was listed under A in the record section, Andrzejewski is a disaster, career suicide. If you're going to fail, at least let it be because of crappy songs, mismanagement, bad record label deals, the usual stuff. Not because no one could spell your name right.

1) Siouxsie Sioux--Susan Janet Ballion: Yes, punk rock meant reinventing yourself. At least she kept the "Sue" part so she'd know when people were calling her. If you choose a name too different from your actual name, you'll just end up ignoring everyone. And that kind of defeats the purpose of having a name. You're supposed to respond to it. Even if you are a rich, snotty rock star.