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Spinal Tap succeeded partly because they knew how to follow the rules. They knew the Rules of Metal and applied them. Thanks to my now long-ago high school experience, I was privy to the "Rules Of Metal" long before many others. Imagine for a moment, if you will, sitting next to some half-literate nitwit who keeps asking you in complete seriousness, "AM I EVIL?" "Yes, yes," you say, "you're evil. Now would you mind leaving me alone so I can eat my lunch?"

These days, however, some of the rules have been broken with appalling regularity. That doesn't make them any less important. That just makes some of the new metal bands less metal. They'll have a lot to answer for when they show up to get their metal stripes from the dark overlords of metal. Lemmy will not be amused.

If you want to be a real Heavy Metal band and not some poseur ("Death to ALL Poseurs!" was often scrawled on the desks where I took my U.S. History exams) you MUST follow these rules. Or else. "Poseurs MUST Die!"--that was another catchy one. I walked amongst some rarefied air, I must say.

10) Must Have Long Hair: I'm amazed at how often this rule has been ignored these days. An old guy like James Hetfield can be excused, I guess, but there's no reason for young guys to go around with buzzcuts when performing their metal works. What next? A pocket protector to protect your sliderule?

9) Must Replace Drummer Regularly: It's funny but drummers are usually the hardest part of the band to find. Every idiot plays guitar and any idiot who's lousy at it gets to plays bass (guess where I ended up). Yet, when it comes to keeping a band together it's usually the drummer who gets switched out. Just look at AC/DC, Judas Priest, RUSH (hey John Rutsey!), the list is long. The only reason Lars Ulrich hasn't been kicked out of Metallica, besides the fact that he's one of the founding members, is that Lars never shuts up long enough for anyone to tell him.

8) Must Wear Leather: Or at least Pleather. Spandex ain't what it used to be. And some bands don't like to put on too much of a stage show so they stick to Cargo pants or something. But if you really want to separate yourself from the boys, you gotta go leather. Just be careful. I saw REO Speedwagon on Public Television (man, who's slumming here, the band or the TV station?) and leather and old age are a dangerous concoction. No offense, but they looked like old women running a hair salon.

7) Must Eventually Play Amusement Park Amphitheatre: Spinal Tap has taught us to make sure you get your billing ahead of the Puppet Show. You can dream all you want of playing the big arenas--and that's a great goal--but you must also mentally prepare yourself for the day when you get to play all your hits in the shadow of the Log Flume.

6) Must Have Ridiculous Stage Props: Again, Spinal Tap has taught us, it's important to get your dimensions right. You don't need a midget Stonehenge dropping from the sky and if you're going to employ a pod, make sure it opens correctly before entering it yourself. But be sure that any stage props are stupid, impractical and have no real bearing on anything in real life. That's why they're stage props. Otherwise, why not just put a water cooler, a coffeemaker and an ATM machine on stage with you?

5) Must Write Songs About Rocking: People need to be told what to do and what to feel. If you don't tell them they're going to be rocking, they might miss their cue and not rock. If they don't rock, you don't rock. If you don't rock, you don't sell them any merchandise. Merchandise is the key to an early retirement. Singing songs about rocking will make you want to retire quicker. See how this all comes together?

4) Must Write Songs About Extraterrestrials &/Or Medieval Times: Some will prefer singing about space travelers, others will prefer mighty loin-clothed warriors. Don't mix them up too much. And make them brave and valiant, not wimpy and insecure. And don't use these characters in songs about rocking. These men are too busy to rock. They're looking to explore new dimensions and scale castle walls.

3) Must Have Ridiculous Album Concepts: The rule here is simple. If you can explain the album's concept in 100 words or less, you don't have a strong enough concept. You need to make it more confusing. Try creating characters with long, tedious names. It makes Russian Novels seem so much more imposing and it will make you seem much more mysterious and smart. Baffling with bull is always the way to go.

2) Must Act Overwhelmingly Serious: You know your band looks ridiculous. You know you're too old for it. But no one pays big money to see you act responsible and no one wants to think you're putting one over on them. So it's important that you never crack a smile when discussing how your band is looking to exterminate all "non-metallists" and "non-believers." Nuclear destruction is something you need to take seriously because as a heavy metal musician, you've got a real chance of making a difference here. No one is going to set off a nuclear missile without first checking with you.

1) Must Have Logo: By all means make your logo as unreadable as possible. Chances are you have a stupid name picked out already. You have to. All the good names have been taken and now nothing's left except a pile of stock names: Cranial Gash, Post-Mortem Bleeding, Uguth, Worchestershire... with names this bad you have to try and up the coolness factor with some bloody logo that all the kids will then tattoo on their arm. It's still better than calling your band, Paul, Joe, Frank & Bob. And never join a band where one member gets higher billing than the rest. If someone asks you to join "The Tom Murphy Band," figure "Tom Murphy" is looking to screw you over somewhere down the line.