Music Blogs

What constitutes "real" music? If the ear can hear it, it must exist. Sure, the guys who said they were Milli Vanilli didn't sing on their record, but someone did! And shouldn't those people have fans? And shouldn't the Grammy committee who awarded the fake Milli Vanilli the Grammy just hand it over to the gentlemen who did play on the record? Shakespeare himself had some line about a rose smelling just as rosy no matter what you named it and if he had an opinion, it must be important. I had to take an entire course in college based on this guy. When was the last time that happened?

Anyhow, movies and TV series have been really good about creating fake musicians. Who doesn't get a thrill watching the Happy Days gang bumble their way through a song? And The Monkees actually went on to become real musicians who controlled their own destiny. Andy Griffith once starred as Lonesome Rhoads, a folk singer with a snazzy hit in "Free Man in the Morning" and the list goes on for days.

Rather than torture myself (and you) with trying to come up with every "fake" band that never existed, I put together the ten that came pretty quickly to mind, obviously having made quite an impression on me. Some even had real hit singles. I must admit it saddens me to not include Jet Screamer from The Jetsons. Or the Silver Platters from the Brady Bunch. But we have to keep this at ten. Or else!

10) The Oneders: How many times in one movie can a person hear the song "That Thing That You Do" without killing someone? Apparently, they researched it and stopped just one shy. And then threw Liv Tyler in the movie so you could watch her get excited about it.

9) Lethal Corpses: I don't know that I remember a thing about these guys beyond the fact that they had a song called "Roadmap On My Chest" and were led by a very decrepit looking Fee Waybill of the Tubes. From the movie Ladies and Gentlemen: The Fabulous Stains with Laura Dern and Diane Lane forming a punk band who should probably be on this list as well. But there's something way more gross about an over the hill bunch of losers that make them a natural fit for this list.

8) Josie And The Pussycats: Why did it take so long to crank out the Cartoon Rock? Rock music was prime for cartoons from the beginning, but it didn't gather momentum until the late 1960s and early 1970s when the Archies and then this female counterpart took over. Every three year old I knew had a crush on Melody.

7) The Archies: It was an idea bound to happen and the fact that they had a hit with "Sugar Sugar" just proves you don't have to have a degree in Semiotics to run up the pop charts. In fact, it helps if you don't.

6) The Rutles: For anyone who didn't like the Beatles, or liked the Beatles but thought they should be less good, the folks in Monty Python offered up the Rutles, a band who curiously mirrored the career of the Beatles. If the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band weren't going to become hugely successful, then they might as well try their hand at something a little more obvious.

5) The Folksmen: Funny--the Spinal Tap guys could've had careers as real musicians had they applied themselves. The Folksmen are every bit as good as the old folk duos and trios they imitate. Mitch and Mickey should also be here for their wonderful performances as well. You can either buy the soundtrack to A Mighty Wind or some folk collection on Vanguard. You might be surprised which brings you more entertainment for your entertainment dollar!

4) Stillwater: Cameron Crowe's homage to his childhood and the 1970s hard rock scene, which incredibly coincided with one another in ways never before conceived. How many teenagers write cover stories for Rolling Stone? How many go on to make movies? Almost Famous was in many ways a super-positive take on an era that had its share of women tied to sharks. But Stillwater with actors Jason Lee, Billy Crudup, John Fedevich and Sun Kil Moon's Mark Kozelek served as a band who could inspire Led Zeppelin devotion with Bad Company riffs. While we're at it, does anyone remember Montrose?

3) The Partridge Family: Yes, David Cassidy did actually sing but Danny Bonaduce is not playing that bass guitar, folks. And that Jeremy kid on drums is a disaster--Keith Moon without chops. But like a modern day pop show, what you see and what you hear are often two different things. You can always round up a bunch of ugly dudes to play the terrible music for you and find a pretty face to smile and sell it to the public. Man, I should be in advertising!

2) Bad News: Sadly, this Spinal Tap-like heavy metal band never caught on like Tap but just to see them struggle to make their ridiculous video for "Warriors Of Genghis Khan" is worth the price of admission--and the idea that they keep the crappy bass player in the band because he owns the van and the P.A. equipment...well, that's just reality.

1) Spinal Tap: There isn't a heavy metal band alive who haven't had to stare in the mirror for a long hard minute and wonder where they stand in comparison. Is that us? How much self-denial can you handle? How many times can you shudder and realize that for many here among us life is but a joke? Learning to enjoy the joke and play with it makes all the difference. I'm told there's a new documentary on the band Anvil that is very Spinal Tap-ish and Anvil were a real band. Might be worth checking out.