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I realized after giving up 25 Garage Rock Heroes that I never addressed what makes a great "Garage Rock" band. I'm all for breaking the rules, but you can only do so if you know them in the first place.

I checked around and found that there were no rulebooks for this sort of thing. Imagine such a lawless society. Next thing you know the kids are going to try this wearing spandex! And it won't be their fault.

Anyhow, the beauty of a garage rock band is the simple fact that much like a punk band you don't have to know too much, In fact, it helps if you don't know too much. Keeping it simple is what it's all about.

Here are ten basic rules (which, remember, once you know them, you can break them!):

10) Rent A Garage: Most "garage" bands probably got their start in the family rec room or the basement next to the boiler. But it would be best if you had an actual garage to practice in. It will make the band photos look better and if you don't put down a rug, everything should sound really loud and tinny.

9) Do NOT Learn To Play Your Instruments Too Well: If you spy someone in the band playing a fancy scale, fire them. Your keyboard player starts tinkering with diminished chords, send him packing. Anyone in the band thinks they're going to be the "next Eric Clapton," put a contract out on their life. This is garage rock. It's meant to sound crappy by nature. Don't mess it up with "prog rock tendencies." You can do this with your next band.

8) Get A Junky Keyboard: Once you find that mildly socially inept twerp to sit behind a keyboard, make sure you find a junky set of keys for him (or her) to play. Preferably something that makes a lot of "air" sounds when you press the keys. Always good if some of the keys don't play or when they do play actually produce more than one note. Keeps everyone on their toes.

7) Get A Cool Name: This is a tough one because so many names have now been taken. And what qualifies as "cool" isn't always obvious. Do NOT name your band with a sentence fragment. In other words, don't name your band ...And They Will Remember Us Because We Played In Ted's Garage. Or something like "These Freaky Follicles." Begin with "The" and work from there. The Losers. The Freaks. The Philadelphia Cream Cheese Experiment. It may not be perfect but at least no one will mistake you for an "Emo" band.

6) Make Sure The Singer Can't Sing But Can Yelp: If the singer stands alone "warming up" his voice, fire him. If he has bad acne, keep him. If he spits when he sings, put him WAY out in front. Make sure he can go "Wow" and "Ooh" and "UH" and all kinds of grunts. If he starts singing "Baby, baby, baby," tell him to go find a Led Zeppelin cover band. I hear "Four Sticks" are hiring.

5) Write Songs With No More Than Four Chords: Again, part of the simple plan. You can throw a minor chord in there once in awhile but don't get carried away. You're not Paul Simon, so don't get fancy. Try writing songs with two chords. Expand to three but be wary about four. And should someone suggest a fifth chord, do a little investigating. This person might be a mole from the outside looking to sabotage your hard work.

4) Buy Cheap Fuzzboxes : Well, Fuzzboxes that used to be cheap. There was a time when crappy sounding fuzzboxes were way out of fashion and you could get them off the discount rack for ten bucks. These days everything costs because everyone realizes the value in having an effect pedal that makes you sound like your equipment is broken.

3) Don't Worry About Tuning: If the guitar player walks in with a tuner, politely throw the thing out the window. If he protests, laugh at him and tell him he's got five minutes to get his act together. The last thing you need in this group is a careerist who thinks he's going on to form a real band sometime in the future. The plan is for everyone--band and audience--to be so drunk by the end of the first set that no one could possibly care about an out of key D string.

2) Enlist At Least One Member Who Is Certifiably Insane: Befriend the weirdest kid you know. The kid with the Unabomber stare. Throw him on bass and make sure the camera captures his daze. If you're lucky you can find a drummer who was dishonorably discharged from the military. The more certified nutsos in the band the more likely your band will sound like it came from an insane asylum. And if there ever is any money involved, they're not likely to be able to count it too well.

1) Plan On Making No Money And Be Glad If You Get To Record A Single: Throw out your dreams of a four-CD retrospective boxed set. Forget about anything more than a single, an EP, maybe an album. Most garage bands never recorded more than one or two tunes worth remembering. Everything else was just goofy junk for the heck of it. There's not supposed to be a career in this. That's your next step when you find your inner voice and become a singer-songwriter. I can help you with that, too. As someone who has never recorded a successful album or had a hit song, I'm the perfect person to advise you on YOUR career. I'm the Life Coach you've been looking for. Thanks for asking.