Hey, it's a GREAT holiday and one that was infinitely better when they sold those highly flammable polyester drawstring costumes with the plastic face and crappy elastic band that always broke just as you were sweating up underneath. You never looked like Batman or the Incredible Hulk but it didn't matter because all the kids looked just as unconvincing and stupid. And thanks to the old man down the block who always filled our bags with HEAVY ROCKS. You, sir, are the bitter old scrooge I can only dream of becoming in my old age.

In doing "research" for this blog, I discovered that Jerry Seinfeld and Bob Hope both have comedy bits called "Halloween." They were excluded from the final tally because their checks did not clear in time. Maybe next year. And it's O'Connor, with an O-R, not E-R. Thank you.

Misfits--"Halloween": Once upon a time the Misfits were this crappy little punk band from New Jersey that got played only on tiny college radio stations in New Jersey. And then Metallica covered one of their tunes and wore their T-shirts and said they liked them and suddenly the whole world got interested and their singles became rare and people bought them for $50 when only months earlier you couldn't give them away. Damn, why couldn't the same fate befall the Impotent Sea Snakes or Killdozer?

Siouxsie & the Banshees--"Halloween": If any band was born to have a song called "Halloween" it has to be these guys. And that girl. With all that hair and make-up and spooky sounds, it was like they modeled their entire career on this one day. Which, if you think about it, is better than modeling your entire career on Arbor Day. (Now don't all you Arbor Day enthusiasts get all riled up. It's a joke, people.)

Zoogz Rift--"Halloween": He once recorded an album called Music Sucks, which makes me nervous because usually when people take that position it's because their music sucks. But he did once record an album called The Island Of Living Puke and it got at least one person I know thrown off the campus radio station for a few weeks.

Dead Kennedys--"Halloween": Has their ever been a lead singer more annoying than Jello Biafra? Please answer me why for about five minutes in high school did I wish to be this idiot? I mean, seriously, I could've been King Diamond instead. But no. And this song about how people wish they could dress up everyday but are too afraid of what people would say is just too cute. If I were to show up at Yahoo! Central everyday in a ballerina costume it would clearly be within my co-workers' rights to hit me over the head with a baseball bat until I came to my senses. This is why they make me work at home!

MX-80 Sound--"Halloween": The album their Halloween song comes from is called Always Leave Them Wanting Less, an axiom NEVER followed by this column as you well see.