Halloween isn't just for people who like candy. For the record, I'm the guy who keeps throwing rocks in your bags! Halloween is also a time for the merely mediocre to rise to the level of demi-god. That's right! Nothing rescues a tired, confused performer better than some dry ice, thick smoke and loud, indecipherable music. Louder is always better. And it really helps cover up incompetence. Why do you think cable news people talk so loud?

Slipknot: These guys have to play with masks on because otherwise their mothers would find out what they're up to and put a stop to it. Mothers are often called upon to teach their children the correct way to behave. If Slipknot's mothers ever find out, there will be hell to pay! And then maybe their records will get better! Because mom will make them get a respectable producer!

Rob Zombie: Robert Zombie has a better career making movies. He loves all the details and creating alternate worlds where people bleed a lot. But his music is strictly b-list. Like most of these guys who are great at concepts. They sell themselves as the "complete package" and in the end it's the music that suffers! Hail Satan instead!

Marilyn Manson: The only brilliant idea this clown ever had was to hire outside producers to make his music better. And they did it. Because if you listen to the early work and compare it to the stuff that Bowie- T. Rex producer Tony Visconti worked up, well, it's pretty clear who produces records and who wears a lot of funny clothes.

Alice Cooper: When Alice Cooper was a band, Alice Cooper was pretty good. When Alice Cooper decided he was a solo act, he took up golf. See where this is headed?

Gary Glitter: Now this guy is a creep! And it's got nothing to do with his music. What's on your hard drive?