Boys bands aren't always what you think. Yes, there usually are boys in them, but after that you'll discover that boys are multi-faceted pimples that can be analyzed and studied in many different ways. Boys cannot be as easily classified as just big, dumb and horny, though that's usually the case. Sometimes they seek profound truth or money. In some cases, the "boys" are old enough to be, well, old men. That makes it even better. Why? Who knows? It's one of life's deep, rich mysteries. I'm going to have a cookie.

Fall Out Boy: I don't know who these guys are. But there's more than one, so they really should be known as the Fall Out Boys, but I guess they're trying to distinguish themselves in a difficult field. And with all the potential money and power, it would be just foolish to make their distinguishing characteristic something to do with the music.

Toilet Boys: Every few days I open my mail and discover something that makes me chuckle for a few seconds before I go back to eating my cupcakes. A few weeks ago it was this album called Sex Music by a band called Toilet Boys. The front cover has some dude looking like he wants to be a chick and on the back cover in a spurt of true originality a Hot Topic employee is giving the world the finger. They cover the Ramones tune "Carbona Not Glue" and include just eight songs with three "remixes" tacked on. The world would be in trouble if I still had hair!

Dead Boys: From Ohio, so we know they're good people. In their day they were always accused of ripping off someone else's look and sound and their actual albums were always considered "compromised" by the production. "Sonic Reducer" became Cleveland's National Anthem and their guitarist Cheetah Chrome's real name is Gene O'Connor, meaning that somehow me, him and Sinead are all brothers somehow. Somebody call Pete Frame and get this straightened out now!

Boys Next Door: They were from Australia, which if you look on a map isn't next door to anywhere but New Zealand. Which may be why they changed their name to the Birthday Party. Coincidence or not, they also got better once they changed it. That has to mean something, but I flunked Psychology and Semiotics. Someone smarter than me please help me out here.

Backstreet Boys: Making a comeback? At their age?  You gotta admire them. Someone pass the Menudo!