While most rockers attempt to convince you of their great importance by releasing big, long boring albums that never end--hello, Smashing Pumpkins and Nine Inch Nails--there are other performers who believe they're being charged by the minute. So they make their songs quick. So quick that you get up to go to the bathroom and you're sure to miss it. I'm partial to short songs because even when they're lousy, they're over before you can complain. For all the praise that's been heaped on something as never-ending as the Who's Tommy, there really hasn't been as much hype or praise for the greatness of the five songs I offer you here now.

Now, remember, don't tell me how "bad" these songs are until you've actually "heard" them, ok? It's only fair.

"Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue"--The Ramones: These guys played concerts like they were double-parked. Less than half an hour and two dozen tunes. In 1:35, these young men from Queens, New York expressed their dreams, their desires, their hopes for the future. Even if you're not a "punk rock" fan, you have to give them an A+ for their time management skills!

"The Roar Of The Masses Could Be Farts"--The Minutemen: At 1:20, this was practically an epic for the Minutemen, who named themselves such for preferring their tunes not exceed the minute mark when possible. In the beginning this was easily achieved, but once they started "progressing," they even got up to two, sometimes three minutes. But that's what happens when you're putting philosophy to music. Sometimes it takes a little extra time. By the way, did you get clear?

"I Got Athlete's Foot Showing At Mike's"--A.C.: OK, we can't print what A.C. stands for in this fine family forum. But this 42 second gem comes from an album called 40 More Reasons To Hate Us that actually includes 42 songs, most of which don't last a minute. This is one of their milder titles. Makes a great case for always wearing your flip-flops even when over at a friend's house.

"The Goldheart Mountaintop Queen Directory"--Guided By Voices: There's a reason Bob Pollard of Guided By Voices has written so many songs. If you make them short enough, you can move on and write more right away. This one comes from the Bee Thousand album that's considered "better" than some of their other albums. At 1:45, you really can't go wrong.

"No, All!"--Descendents: Fights often break out over whether "All" at 1 second or "No, All!" at 2 seconds is the better tune. You see which way I break. While I enjoy the concision of "All," I prefer the hierarchical truth of "No, All!" Not to mention the extra punctuation, which seems to merit mentioning since it exists.