The Ten Performers Who Won’t Be Changing Their Stage Names Anytime Soon

Posted Tue Jun 10, 2008 11:33am PDT by Rob O'Connor in List Of The Day

Would a rose smell any sweeter if it had been named a bowel evacuator? It'd be a little odd. Celebrities often change their names because their real ones suck. Or they know no one will remember it. Not everyone can be born with the name Bruce Springsteen, after all. In the case of Miley Cyrus, well, she got stuck being Hannah Montana because someone thought it'd be a better idea if the name rhymed! That may be true for song lyrics, but it's not necessary for a stage name. So we here at List of the Day applaud Ms. Cyrus' taking back her name, but it made us wonder what would happen if others followed suit.

Now Prince tried to change his name to hieroglyphics. And Johnny Cougar slowly worked his way to John Cougar Mellencamp and finally John Mellencamp, but here are some others who have never looked back. They are who they say they are. Even if they aren't. Get it?

10) John Denver--Henry John Deutschendorf: Well, first off he's dead, so he won't be making any new decisions. But even had he lived I don't see Henry here opting to switch back to that last name. I wonder if he had trouble spelling it. I wouldn't want to have to fill out forms and endorse checks with that many consonants to worry about. Imagine getting pulled over for a DWI and being asked to spell your name. Stick with Denver.

9) Cher--Cherilyn Sarkisian: Once you're a one-name celebrity, you don't look back. You've made it.

8) Rikki Rockett--Richard Allan Ream: Recently in the news regarding an alleged rape, this Poison drummer had the further indignity of having his real name posted in the news items as "Dick Ream." Man, Mechanicsburg high school must've had a field day with this sucker.

7) W. Axl Rose--William Bruce Rose, Jr.: Considering "Axl" flies into a rage over just about everything, can you imagine what would happen if everyone started referring to him as "Billy" or "Junior"? Or maybe everyone should just start chanting "BROOCE." Rock star egos are massive, especially when they don't release albums for over 10 years--all that suppressed rage, all that constipated artistry. All those legal briefs.

6) Gene Simmons--Chaim Witz: As music's most famous marketer, Gene Simmons saw his future and knew it wasn't Chaim Witz. Just like he didn't name his band Radio Free Vestibule. Kiss was obviously a stronger choice. The man may have difficulty singing and A&E knows his "reality" show has the most scripted feel of anything I've seen in terms of "reality" (I didn't even realize he had a dog until they spent an entire episode looking for it.), but the man knows how to put his name and image on everything. So break out the Witz!

5) Tina Turner--Anna Mae Bullock: Ok, she took her husband's last name since Bullock wouldn't be a decent name until acting sensation J.J. Bullock made it what it is. And Anna Mae sounded too much like an old blues tunes about an old spinster and the last impulse a young woman wants to elicit from a man is the desire to search for the Ben-Gay. She wisely decided to wear short skirts and fondle the mike stand so men would reach for trendier moisturizers.

4) Iggy Pop--James Newell Osterberg, Jr.: Another Junior on the list. And Osterberg obviously wasn't going to cut it. And while Jimmy would've sufficed, Jimmy Pop just doesn't have that ring to it unless you're selling popcorn. And music is all about sound and looking good. And while Iggy at 60 is a bit tough to look at, he still looks finer than David Johansen and Mick Jagger. Though I'd like to start a petition to insist he keep a shirt on. There are children in the audience.

3) Lou Reed--Butch Firbank: Ok, Lou Reed really is Lou Reed's name, but that didn't stop a rumor started in CREEM magazine that Lou's real name was Butch Firbank. Someone had written in to ask if Lou Reed was a pun on "Lurid" and the cheeky editor decided on Lou's new name of origin. It still from time to time gets considered a fact. My favorite kind: the ones that aren't true but should be.

2) Jay-Z--Shawn Corey Carter: I'm sure Ghostface Killah isn't his real name and I'm sure Ol' Dirty Bastard is a pseudonym and I've been told that Flavor Flav's real name is William Drayton. The hip-hop guys make it a little obvious. Their stage names sound like stage names. Whereas Shawn Corey Carter sounds like a country singer. And Jay-Z sounds like a men's fashion line. Chaim Witz must be proud.

1) Elton John--Reginald Kenneth Dwight: Oh Reggie! Supper's ready! You can hear why this wasn't going to work. Though why he would to decide to pick a last name that could either be interpreted as a toilet or a person who frequents prostitutes. If it's considered hard to be a pimp, imagine how much worse it is to be the guy on the other end. Look at that Spitzer dude. He wishes he was only likened to a toilet these days.

1810 Comments

1. Dusty Lamborghini -
More curious is why a person would bother getting emotional over someone elses opinion on a yahoo music blog. I promise, it's not that big of a deal. I'm sure you're not hurting his feelings, if he is even a real person. Just because you state your opinion in an angry fashion doesn't make you right. I have a suggestion: Prosac.

2. Oketsu-san -
Dusty--the answer to your question is 'to get my buddies to ASNER on their computer screens.'

Comedy is sometimes harsh, cousin.

3. roboconnordownssyndrom -
Dusty, if you're so concerned about what other people write regarding someone elses opinion, why bother commenting.
Your suggestion implies you have some experience with anger and the treatment thereof. Tell your therapist next week that you are feeling worthwhile again, and ask him/her if you can increase the dosage, and stop watching Monk re-runs. BTW, this is a music blog, not the etymology of names.

4. Grady Sizemore is hott!! -
What does this have to do with anything? Who cares?

5. Justin H -
What about Ozzy Osbourne, his real name is John Michael Osbourne. And if Lou Reed is the guys real name, why put it on?

6. sydney :] -
I love your columns. I don't always agree, but it's nice to see people speak out for a change instead of going with everyone else. But I certainly agreed with this one :]

7. -
I enjoy your lists every post ... kudos to this one. Had a good life and loved the way you wrote this :)

8. Yahoo! Music User -
JOHNN

9. jmdestefano115 -
Uh, how about BOB DYLAN?

10. jacobtherockstar2000 -
Slash.

11. artfox5 -
Look, people- it's good to comment however you see fit on these, but in all honesty- isn't it better to talk about what it was instead of what it wasn't? I mean, this guy takes the time to come up with these and I don't see many of you making music blogs instead of hating on someone else's, so think before you comment!

Yeah, done ranting, but seriously! Give the guy the respect of commenting on something positive before you start nitpicking at what he did wrong.

12. a.jena -
Umm....MADONNA????

I feel that is enough said....

13. johnrobertturner2002 -
roboconnerdownsyndrome is pretty much my hero. Does rob o'conner have downs? Very likely. Look at how he holds his guitar. And guy-who-writes-in-all-caps, calm down and get your targets name right.

14. merrickmrb2007 -
your list of the day is way to short,I can think of many others,lets start with rappers who think they can actually sing,and we can go from there.

15. deflep -
For future articles, how bout where some band names originated from.

16. Suzanne -
I love your lists, I love your writing style and I love the way you view certain topics. But what I love the most is how outraged readers get over your lists. It's really hysterical. Anyway, great job on this list! I was surprised to not see Declan Patrick MacManus, but whatever. =) Keep up the good work!

17. MAGzZz -
Miley Cyrus is actually Destiny Hope Cyrus and she goes by Miley because her nickname used to be "Smiley"... anywhooo yeah she's a faker too.

18. jrstever -
how about elvis costello

19. peterelvir075 -
i want to know what marilyn mansion's real name is

20. llamaman758 -
wheres bono?
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