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"No matter what else is wrong with music, no matter how the Internet uproar plays out, live gigs are booming because fans love to be there, experience the real thing and be in the moment."

Yadayada.

It's the Water Rats, King's Cross, North London. Good new band on tonight. You find a spot towards the back of the room as the singer says "Hi" and they whack the opening chord... then the bloke in front of you turns to his mate and shouts, "Did you see the fight then? Bloody Hatton!"

"Yeah, all that hype and friggin' useless!" his mate shouts back. "Another let-down for British sport!"

"Yeah, after the football and the..."

And they're off. You're trying to listen to the band while, with every decibel it takes to outgun a howling lead guitar, these two pillocks bellow half-remembered clichés culled from tabloid back pages.

So you move away, scouting for lips that aren't moving, get settled again... until the git now adjacent shouts at his neighbour, "Like I was saying, I was down 43 by lunchtime and up to my arse in alligators, thought I was screwed this time!"... so you move again, in among a handful of solos who seem to be just listening to the band... until the woman to your left shouts into her mobile, "Well, it got a bit chilly so I thought about putting a jumper on, then it turned out nice after all so I didn't!"

Aaaaaargh!

A silent scream, of course. But this happens all the time now. Go to a gig and half the audience is talking. Incessantly and at maximum volume. You want to see a band. You buy a ticket. You don't listen. And you make it impossible for everyone in your extensive earshot to listen.

Ask them to turn it down and they get huffy. Ask why they're shouting and they say, "Because the bastard band's playing so loud!"

"In the moment" my arse. Huge numbers of people who attend live music do so in body alone. If they're not shouting they're holding up mobile phones to relay the show to a friend (conveying the sound quality of a hacksaw turned up to 11) or to take pictures (terrible pictures: "Ooh look, there's a light! And there's a bloke! I think!").

Societally, it might almost be tragic if it weren't so annoying. It seems to say, "I'm here, but I'm not here!" Is that egocentricity? Or vulnerability? Shouting so you don't hear, taking pictures so you don't see; anything to get some separation between you and experiencing "the real thing" which might... move you?

Well, dear reader, if you're a gig shouter, on the one hand, bloody sod you. Or, on the other teeth-grindingly better mannered hand, please stop. If talking's what you really want to do, take it somewhere else.

You know. Be. Here. Now. It's all right.

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