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Stage 46: Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

Posted Mon Jan 5, 2009 5:30pm PST by Lyndsey Parker in Reality Rocks

There's been a lot of hype about a new "novel" called Stage 46: The Reality Of Reality Television. And understandably so. Anonymously penned by someone who goes by the generic monker "R. Smith," and reportedly based on interviews with actual disgruntled American Idol employees, the book aims to be the AmIdol equivalent of, say, The Devil Wears Prada or Swimming With Sharks.

It's certainly not as well-written as either. Some paragraphs or even full chapters of Stage 46 drag on far too long, focusing on inconsequential details; the language is flat and unflowery; the small-town-guy-goes-to-the-big-city-and-gets-chewed-up-and-spat-out storyline is as clichéd as the opening sequence of Guns N' Roses' "Welcome To the Jungle" video; and the book is even shockingly typo-riddled in parts.

But for any Idol fan yearning for validation of the various Idol rumors floating around the interweb, Stage 46 is undoubtedly a handy source.

Stage 46 is basically a fictionalized-but-not-really-all-that-fictional account of a starry-eyed aspiring film-maker, Ben, who naively believes that a production assistant job on a TV talent show called The Next Singing Star will be his big Hollywood break. He's mistaken. Instead he spends his days getting his head chewed off, almost literally, by his clinically obese and ethically unsound boss, Jill, a mean-tempered harpie who expects him to fetch her donuts and fudge her budgets. Jill, of course, could be modeled on any nasty show-business soulsucker--characters like her are not at all uncommon in entertainment. Ditto for T, the promiscuous travel coordinator who shows up to the office in see-through stripperwear, decorates her desk with empty whiskey bottles, and sleeps with every male bigwig at the network. There's a lot of women in showbiz like T, too.

But other Stage 46 characters are more clearly based on specific real-life people...and I've got a feeling the resemblances aren't coincidental.

There's Krystal, the aggressively stage-parented, slightly chubby, underage first runner-up whose mother tries to rig the voting, curry special favor from the producers and judges, and spread career-destroying rumors about any Singing Star employee who doesn't let her have her way.

I'm pretty sure that Krystal is based on Diana Degarmo.

There's also a character only referred to as the "Crazy Female Judge"--or, sometimes, affectionately known as "Miss Pill Popper"--who fires assistants daily, cries if anyone glances at her sideways, fails to show up for a live taping because she's sobbing in a darkened bathroom, carries a handbag that looks more like a mobile pharmacy on the inside, sleeps with a young male contestant, and blames her various injuries on her underfoot pets rather than admit she fell face-first during a drugged-up episode.

Gee, I wonder who "Crazy Female Judge" is based on?

Then there's the alcoholic British judge who flies to every audition location via private jet and writes all his seemingly off-the-cuff commentary in advance; the supposedly happily married "third wheel judge" who carries on an affair with a female P.A.; and the overly hair-moussed male host who shows little interest in the female contestants but blatantly hits on every studly male singer that enters the audition room.

Even someone who's only watched American Idol once, while casually channel-surfing, could figure out who these characters are supposed to be.

In fact, every Stage 46 stereotype and scandal--including anecdotes about fixed voting and the outrageously unfair sign-one's-life-away contracts contestants must autograph in blood--merely confirms what fans already suspected about the show we love to hate and hate to love.

So Stage 46 isn't going to win a Pulitzer any time soon, even if all those typos are corrected in the second printing. But as a guilty-pleasure companion piece to America's top guilty-pleasure TV program, it's certainly a fun, juicy read--as addictive as those little tablets inside Miss Pill Popper's purse.

17 Comments

1. __A_YAHOO_USER__ -
Eww..I hate American Idol.

2. The Beyotch -
American Idol is such a retarded show that only c*cksuckers like the poster above me could really appreciate that phony, sensationalistic piece of garbage disguised as music-related. You want to know the profile of the typical, mentally ill and all-around knuckle-dragging bum/lowlife who watches American Idol and, much less, actually goes out and buys the music of these clowns who are "crowned" American Idol?? Well...have no fear because I will once and for all set the record straight and "out" the demographic of the typical idiot who not only watches and votes on American Idol, but also supports thse clowns-disguised-as-musicians by buying their crap CDs.

The typical American Idol watcher is a silly, trivial teenage girl who doesn't know a damn thing (except how to misbehave as a vapid, soulless stereotype of a boy-crazy teenage-girl) about credibility and good taste. That's why she goes crazy over clearly hom*sexual "males" like David Cook, Archuleta, Clay Aiken et al. The 2nd type of American Idol watcher/voter is the effeminate, emasculated girlie-man (such as libtards Al Franken, John Stewart or Stephen Colbert) who has no mind of his own and consequently gets lured into watching American Idol because it's mistakenly seen as trendy and hyped by the media. This type of girlie-man also is the spineless sort that will watch American Idol just to get sex from his sl*tty girlfriend.

Next, the demographic of the lost soul-idiot who actually goes out and BUYS this trash-disguised-as-music that American Idol winners sell is a "person" who is just mentally retarded. They are brainless, have no judgment to speak of, and are so stupid that they, on occasion, appear even dumber than liberals, if that's possible at all!

3. __A_YAHOO_USER__ -
2. The Beyotch - 11 minutes ago
American Idol is such a retarded show that only c*cksuckers like the poster above me could really appreciate that phony, sensationalistic piece of garbage disguised as music-related.
_________________________________________

Do you have reading problems? I said I HATE American Idol.

4. Yahoo! Music User -
What? D33PPURPLE, the poster above, is a c*cksucker?

Oh, my god. Ewwwwww!!!

5. DUDE -
If you like American Idol,watch it.If you don't,change the channel.Problem solved...By the way,#2 will be just fine when they are back on their medication.

6. Yahoo! Music User -
I LOVED THE BOOK. FINISHED IT OVER THE WEEKEND AND THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT. YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO THE CHARACTERS ARE MODELED AFTER, WHICH IS A HIGHLIGHT FOR ME AS I LOVE ALL THE JUICY BEHIND THE SCENES DIRT.

I RECOMMEND IT TO ANYONE WHO LOVES THE SHOW BUT KNOWS IT'S A CROCK OF BS AT THE SAME TIME.

7. GenaF -
Seriously, D33PPURPLE, do you have nothing better to do with your life than make sure you are the first to comment on these blogs. If you don't care about a topic, DON'T READ IT! That saves people like myself who are honestly interested in the thoughts of my fellow readers from having to read your inane drivel.

8. Yahoo! Music User -
American Idol may be an agent of terrible mainstream media, it has produced good singers though, like Carrie Underwood. Also, it does attempt to throw in a mix of music in its theme weeks. Plus it has run that charity show for the past 2 years so you CANNOT say it's not doing some good. It's kinda entertaining, too, if you watch it.

9. __A_YAHOO_USER__ -
Naw Gena, I didn't read the description, and started skimming...Had I known, I wouldn't have read it.

And, no, I'm not always the first poster. The reason I post so much right now is just b/c I'm procrastinating on some work I have to do.

10. mstrsalexa -
hey D33P...i happen to know more than 1 (almost) over the hill person w/dreams of hitting it big some day...but shows like this are as much a popularity contest as talent, so the haters help round out all that public media"every things wonderfull"crap...yay free speech!!!

11. Adam -
You know whats really sad? about 10 months ago I was at a store lookin for snacks, and was waiting in line behind a mother and her two children. The older child was about 9 or 10, and they were discussing the plans for that night with the cashier when the boy said, Mom! Don't forget we HAVE to watch the American Idol finale tonight!. The cashier smiled and asked him who he wanted to win, to which the boy replied David Archuleta! with a big grin. I'm a high school senior, and I owe my music obsessioin largely in part to a teacher I had sophomore year who played music for us before every class. All the music was rock, and all was dated 1995 or before, I think the most recent music he ever played for us was The Smaching Pumpkins. But I just looked at that little boy and I thought, God, how sad is it that today's kids are taught all they know about music from american idol? Someone needs to get that kid some Led Zeppelin, Thin Lizzy, Nirvana, and Beatles cds STAT!!!

12. Charles H -
It is about ratings and entertainment and noting less.
He knew that going in. It is all about who can make
the co. the most money. Then they go that way.
selling records is the name of the game not
american idol.

13. SJ -
Yay! Alot of people here share my views on this stupid show!

14. afro -
American Idol = Bernie Madoff !

15. Yahoo! Music User -
Oh, really? I have to find this book.

As much as I want to believe that American Idol is real... I get slapped back into reality once I start thinking about how it takes place in Corporate America.

16. Kate -
Do people like the beyotch go around on the web for the sole purpose of slinging hate? I mean, I am not an American Idol fan, but hey man, why all the harsh vibes? There is no need to spread so much hate.

17. Yahoo! Music User -
That book sounds like wonderful Grade-A prime trash. Let's all shed those unwanted brains now... I'll probably read it myself! Shouldn't be too hard. It would probably make a great trashy movie too.

Why is anybody surprised that Idol is rigged? However, there is no doubt that it sells a boatload of records.
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