All right, before we get this blog going in earnest, let's just get one matter out of the way: The raven-haired woman in that amateur porn tape currently making its way through the blogosphere is NOT Meg White of the White Stripes. If it was, her face sure would be red. (Get it? Get it?) Those nudie pics of Disney starlet Vanessa Hudgens that we reported on a couple weeks back might've been the real deal, but the Meg tape is a fake. Meg's publicist said so. And publicists never lie, right? Right?

We're big Stripes fans here, so we're relieved to find out that this week's latest sex-tape scandal was one big sham. But we admit a small part of us is disappointed, only because there are soooo many songs in the White Stripes catalog that lend themselves to wonderfully wacky puns in this instance: "Icky Thump," "You've Got Her In Your Pocket," "Offend In Every Way," "I'm Finding It Harder To Be A Gentleman," and, inspired by Meg's milky pallor, "White Moon." (Download 'em all HERE!) But it wasn't Meg in the tape, like we said. So we'll just have to refrain. Dang.

OK, moving on. The other big story this week? Well, the trial of the century may very well drag into next century, as a mistrial was declared in the Phil Spector murder case. So after five months, 77 witnesses, and 500 exhibits being introduced into evidence, there's nothing to show for it. The Wall Of Sound producer's trial simply hit a great big wall. No word yet on how Chelle, the overzealous blogger who previously posted "The Evil Judge should DIE!" on the Team Spector MySpace page, feels about this turn of events. But if Spector does end up back in court for a judicial do-over, the judge sitting on the bench for that retrial might want to set his/her MySpace profile to "private." Just a suggestion.

Phil Spector isn't the only artist who fought the law this week. First DMX--the rapper behind the album Year Of The Dog and the song "Get Me A Dog"--found his reputation going to the dogs, a la Michael Vick, when a dozen allegedly abused pitbulls and three canine carcasses were found on his Phoenix-area property. So far no charges have been brought against DMX, who in 2002 ironically starred in a series of PSAs urging children to be kind to animals. But Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio did tell the Associated Press, "Someone's going to have to pay for this." And DMX is probably going to have to pay dearly for an attorney to get him out of the doghouse.

Another rapper, David Banner, went before Congress this week, to participate in a post-Don Imus-fallout hearing that in many ways seemed like a flashback to that PMRC broo-ha-ha of the 1980s. Speaking about the hot-button issue of sexist/degrading language in hip-hop (specifically the uses of the ever-controversial "B," H," and "N" words), Banner said, "If by some stroke of the pen hip-hop was silenced, the issues would still be present in our communities. Drugs, violence, and the criminal element were around long before hip-hop existed." And you know, he did have a point. Then again, this is the man who's recorded songs titled "Like A Pimp," "Still Pimpin'," and "F**k 'Em," so maybe he's a little biased...

Finally, another artist being accused of dirty deeds done dirt cheap is, incredibly, Elton John. Sir Elton John, mind you! The Rocket Man became an unwitting participant in a British child-pornorgraphy investigation this week, when an art photograph featuring two naked toddler girls was seized from the Baltic Centre For Contemporary Art gallery in Gateshead, England. Seems avid art collector Elton purchased "Klara And Edda Belly-Dancing," an already widely published and exhibited picture by acclaimed American photographer Nan Goldin, from London's White Cube gallery in 1999...but now, eight years later, U.K. authorities are suddenly concerned that the photo might violate Britain's 1978 Protection Of Children Act. Come on, now--this picture simply cannot be pornographic. Because if Elton John did by some chance collect naughty pics, do you really think they would be pics of girls? Think about it.

All right, and so concludes a surprisingly scandalous edition of That's Really Week. We hope your delicate sensibilities haven't been offended, but the sad fact of the matter is, when pop stars make the news it's not usually for saving kittens from trees, campaigning for UNICEF, or other such G-rated activities. Anyway, come back next Friday for more amusing, confusing, and downright scandal-oozing music news, if you dare. Until then, good night, and good music.

THIS WEEK'S TOP 10 STORIES:

1) Phil-y Freedom? - Will Phil Spector walk, now that his murder case has ended in a mistrial?

2) A Stripe Stripped? - The White Stripes' drummer is rumored to appear in an amateur sex tape.

3) Ruff Justice - DMX may be charged with animal abuse.

4) The Captain & The Kids - Elton John is caught up in a ridiculous kiddie porn scandal.

5) The King Of Pop Has No New Queen - Michael Jackson denies rumors that he has married for the third time. World heaves sigh of relief.

6) Madge Of Honor - Madonna's been shortlisted for the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame.

7) A Great B.I.G. Lie - A witness in the Biggie Smalls murder investigation admits he didn't exactly tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

8) Is Hip-Hop Dead? - It might be, if our nation's Congressmen have anything to say about it.

9) Smashing Pumpkins Fan Gets Smashed - A concertgoer tragically dies in a Pumpkins mosh pit.

10) 50 Cent Vs. Kanye West: The Rematch - Fiddy outsells Kanye this week on the European charts.