Man, Oprah Winfrey isn't having much luck with doctors lately, is she? First she had a plastic surgeon named Dr. Jan Adams guest on her show--the same scandal-ridden scalpel-man who later adminstered that fateful, allegedly fatal operation on Kanye West's mother, Donda. (This week's L.A. Coroner's report on Donda was inconclusive, by the way.) And now Oprah's longtime crony Dr. Phil McGraw is getting flak over his own involvement in an almost equally tragic hospital case, that of Britney Spears.

It all started innocently enough, when Spears family matriarch Lynne invited the tough-talking celebrity shrink to visit Britney at Cedars-Sinai last weekend, where the troubled pop star was being sequestered for observation after a bizarre child-custody standoff with police on January 3. Now, Mama Spears could have phoned up any  professional in L.A.'s admittedly saturated mental-health market, but of course she just had to choose the one she'd seen on the tee-vee, the one famous for colorful colloquialisms like "you don't need tight-fitting pants to laminate your shirt" and "you don't need a porcupine to tickle a gypsy." (Okay, okay we admit we got those sayings from a funny time-wasting site called the "Dr. Phil Random Quote Generator" and that Dr. Phil never actually uttered those specific words...but you get our point.)

So anyway, Dr. Phil made this housecall as a favor to Britney's beleaguered mother, who's got her hands full right now with one daughter who's knocked-up (Jamie) and one who's cracked-up (Britney). But then the infamously mouthy McGraw started blabbing to the press about this supposedly private visit, much to the chagrin of Lynne's business manager, Lou Taylor.

"The family basically extended an invitation of trust for him to come in as a resource to support them, not to go out and make public statements," an irate Lou said Wednesday on The Today Show. "Any statement publicly that he made, because he was brought in under this cloak of trust, [is] just inappropriate...he was not invited to make this part of a public display or part of the media."

Dr. Phil has since cancelled his (seemingly self-serving) plan to shoot a Britney-themed episode of his talk show, though he insists that the episode was originally her family's idea--a claim substantiated by Britney's own manager, Sam Lufti. In the doc's typical outspoken manner, Dr. Phil defended his controversial actions by declaring on Entertainment Tonight, "Somebody needs to step up and get this young woman into some quality care--and I do not apologize one whit, not one second, for trying to make that happen." Allrighty, then...

Moving on...another troubled Brit who makes it into this very column at least every other week is Amy Winehouse, and this week is no exception, because now Amy has something else in common with Britney besides public meltdowns and deplorable choices in hanger-on husbands: blonde hair extensions. Yes, the rehab-rejecting diva has ditched her towering, Marge Simpson-meets-Elvira-meets-circa '63 Priscilla Presley wig for a shocking new peroxide-platinum 'do. And all we can say is (to quote Amy herself): No, no, no! We NEVER thought we'd be saying this, but Amy actually looked better in that ridonkulous B-52's beehive. This woman needs to go back to black, pronto.

Another scandalous lady making the news this week is supermodel-turned-rockstar girlfriend-turned chanteuse, Carla Bruni. Up until now, this Italian-French singer-songwriter was most famous in America for her alleged adulterous affairs with Mick Jagger and Donald Trump, but now French president Nicolas Sarkozy is about to make an honest woman out of Carla. Yes, only months after his own divorce, Prez Sarkozy has announced that he intends to marry Carla and make her the First Lady of France, proving just how culturally dissimilar America and France are (it's hard to imagine a recently divorced American president marrying a woman with a public past of homewrecking, posing in very little clothing, and recording rock 'n' roll music...not without the threat of impeachment, at least). Anyhoo, one ooh la la look at Carla's modeling portfolio might do a world of good in smoothing out Franco-American relations and putting all that anti-French "freedom fries" foolishness behind us once and for all. Because it's difficult to imagine that any red-blooded American male wouldn't want to have relations, political or otherwise, with a foxy First Lady like Carla!

And finally, we turn our attention to two First Couples of Australia, one delivering bad news and one delivering good news this week. We'll start with the bad: Daniel Johns of Silverchair and his pop-singer wife, Natalie Imbruglia, are divorcing after four years of marriage. Too bad--these lookers surely would have made some beautiful little Australian babies together. And speaking of Australian babies, that's the good news: country singer Keith Urban and his actress bride Nicole Kidman are expecting their first child. So after making an online visit to the "Ausslie Slang Quote Generator," to Daniel and Natalie we say, "She'll be apples!" (American translation: "Everything will be okay!"), and to Nicole and Keith we say, "Bonza!" (aka, "Great!").

Any Aussies offended by our mangling of their vernacular are free to add a few more angry slang terms to the messageboard below. Until next week, g'day mate, goodnight, and good music.

THIS WEEK'S TOP 10 STORIES:

1) Does Dr. Phil Want A Piece Of Britney? - He comes under fire for planning a Spears-centric episode of his show.

2) A Real French Twist - Gallic groupie Carla Bruni is set to marry the president of France.

3) How The West Was Lost - Kanye West's mother's autopsy report proves inconclusive.

4) American Idle - Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard, and Katharine McPhee have a lot more time on their hands, now that they've all lost their record deals.

5) A Kidman Kid - Nicole is pregnant with her first baby by country-star hubby Keith Urban.

6) Natalie Imbruglia's Marriage Goes Down Under - She's divorcing Australian rock star Daniel Johns.

7) Eminem Admitted - Marshall is hospitalized for pneumonia. Dr. Phil surprisingly refrains from visiting him.

8) You Know Her Hairstyle's No Good - Amy Winehouse's new bleached-blonde 'do is in need of some rehab.

9) Kicked In The Shins? - America's Next Top Model alum Elyse Sewell claims her ex-boyfriend, Marty Crandall of indie darlings the Shins, beat her up.

10) Bif Naked's Battle - The rocker chick announces that she has breast cancer.