August 22-29: Girls Gone Wild--The Epidemic!
Far be it from us here at That's Really Week to make blanket judgement calls about Western morality--but that won't stop other people around the world from doing the same! And in this case we're talking about Malaysia, where this week protests by conservative religious types there forced everyone's sweetheart Gwen Stefani to make "a major sacrifice" while performing there by wearing clothes that, according to reports, "revealed little!"
Similarly feeling conservative pressure is one Beyonce Knowles--scheduled to perform in the same country this November--whose camp is also feeling some pressure to dress for success. "We've informed Beyonce's management about this issue of clothes," said the concert organizer, admittedly intriguingly, "but it takes some of the fun out of it." Well said, friend--this troublesome issue simply won't go away!
And while it's easy for boorish Westerners such as ourselves to hoo-hah over this brouhaha--to coin a phrase--let's step back and examine the behavior displayed by the fairer sex this week for a real-time reality check!
Item one: That very same Beyonce was the subject of quick-spreading internet rumors this week, after some Toronto audience video footage appeared to display the singer accidentally going topless onstage when her top suddenly flew up for a split second. "She was wearing a bra that perfectly matches her costume," explained a publicist fortunate enough to be paid for saying such things to the press!
Item two: Both Amy Winehouse and her hair were ordered to cancel several upcoming concert appearances in North America due to "severe exhaustion," according to reports Tuesday. Despite UK tabloid speculation that the colorful singer has been in rehab due to you-know-what, her publicist denied those claims and in a surprise twist mentioned nothing about the singer's underwear!
Item three: Lily Allen--like Winehouse, a Brit, a singer, and a female--must also now apparently forego her scheduled American tour, after officials pulled her work visa due to legal problems of some sort or another. "I've been banned from America," she declared onstage last week at Britain's V Festival. "That's nice. Oh well, that means I can't go back there. Good." At home, America wept! 
Item four: Singer, actress and all-around folk hero Lindsay Lohan was charged with seven misdemeanors in Los Angeles Superior court on Thursday, all the result of her excessively reported drunken driving arrests. Cynical cultural pundits pointed out that the name of her latest film is I Know Who Killed Me, then split to the mall for sandwiches and mojitos!
Item five: Rapper Foxy Brown was jailed Wednesday after a judge revoked her probation--probation she was placed on for attacking a pair of manicurists at a nail salon three years ago, mind you. What was the problem? Poor Foxy--and it does feel odd to write those words--had apparently whacked her neighbor with a BlackBerry, which--to explain to those reading these words in the distant future--is an electronic device and not a fruit in 2007, and not the sort of thing one whacks someone with during polite conversation. Tellingly, it was noted that Brown had also skipped her anger management classes. Hey, so did we, but we're not in jail!
Item six: Looking extremely certain to be avoiding Malaysia is the upcoming
GirlFrenzy Festival, announced this week and set for Oct. 27th in Irvine, California. Among those in the lineup: Sheryl Crow, Avril Lavigne, Fiona Apple, Sara Bareilles, Colbie Caillat, and Antigone Rising. Luckily for all concerned, aside from Avril's noted "spitting incident," all participants are reputed "good girls" who've done absolutely nothing wrong throughout their entire lives. But, concerned moralists note, there's always a first time!
OK, so that's that. But let's face it: Some real troublemakers were also in the news this week, and hopefully conservative Malaysians will note that both parties were male!
Horror One: A planned Labor Day party in the Hamptons thrown by no less than Diddy--Diddy the black music icon, as opposed to Larry Diddy the Cleveland grocer--met severe resistance from officials who were hesitant to allow his planned $100,000 fireworks show to wreak havoc throughout the area. Imagine the chaos that might have ensued! Luckily, wisdom prevailed.
Horror Two: Rock's original "bad boys" did the unthinkable yet again last week in London, when photographers captured Rolling Stones Keith Richards and Ron Wood ruthlessly smoking onstage in a venue in which smoking is now forbidden! Thankfully, reports noted, though no one had complained about the onstage smoking, "the venue had been warned not to let it happen again."
No word as to whether the London venue had taken a tip from Malaysia and also forced the Stones to wear clothing that "revealed little," but experts agree: Some offenses are unthinkable in any language!
THIS WEEK'S TOP 10 STORIES:
1) Malaysia Just Says No: Stefani, Beyonce buckle up for safety
2) Beyonce Reveals All: Well, no, actually she doesn't, but what the heck
3) Amy Winehouse cancels North American tour: Continent apparently misplaced
4) Lily Allen Has Visa Issues: No comments re MasterCard, Amex
5) Lindsay Lohan Charged In DUI incidents: Perhaps you've heard
6) Foxy Brown's Probation Revoked: Rapper undoubtedly angry now
7) GirlFrenzy Festival Announced: Participants also announced!
8) Rolling Stones In Smoking Scandal: Not like them, fans agree
9) Diddy's Fireworks Are Duddy: "Not for us" proclaim wealthy socialites
10) James Brown Was My Father: And the hits just keep on coming!
written by Dave DiMartino 8/24/07
BTW-- Beyonces mishap was a mistake.
It's not witty to joke about "blackberry" when you've used the word incorrectly. A Blackberry is obviously not a blackberry. Note the use and dis-use of capital letters. If you'd capitalized it, then everyone would know you were not talking about a blackberry because everyone knows you don't capitalize the names of fruit, but everyone does know you capitalize proper names, well, everyone but you and your editor. So much for witty writing. You'd be a lot more entertaining if you just said "cocaine" than "you-know-what", and color me red if you-know-what is actually alcohol, sex, meth, steroids, or any number of other vices of the rich, famous and tiring-us-out.