Music Blogs

You may have heard that the artist both currently and formerly known as Prince is back and recently released a three-CD set of all-new material exclusively through Target stores and his own new website, LotusFlow3r.com. Two of the CDs, LotusFlow3r and MPLSound, are by the Royal One himself, but what you might not know is that the third disc features a new artist named Bria Valente.

"We got sick of waiting for Sade to make a new album," Prince told Ann Powers of the Los Angeles Times late last year, while explaining the thinking behind Valente's album, Elixer. "This music is nasty, but it's not dirty...There's no profanity. It isn't promoting promiscuity. She's singing about her lover, who could be her partner for life."

After witnessing Prince go around L.A. Live in a night, playing three shows in three different venues with three different bands--and with the aforementioned statement about Ms. Valente in the back of my mind--I decided to stop by the local Target and pick up LoutsFlow3r after spending the morning golfing with a bunch of 70-something gents. Talk about rock 'n' roll! One of the chaps I golfed with was a 79-year-old bloke named Ozzy, who not only walked the course, but carried his own bag his back. Take that, Mr. Osbourne!

But I digress. I have to confess, LotusFlow3r wasn't the only reason I stopped by my local Target. I've been spending some time in the pool lately and noticed that my back has been getting rather hairy since last summer. So that my fellow swimmers don't confuse me with an escaped zoo animal, I thought it might be a good idea to do some personal grooming, so my primary reason for hitting Target was to pick up the chemical depilatory commonly known as Nair.

At Target I was happy to find LotusFlow3r showcased in an end-cap right near the cash register and priced at $11.98, a great value for three CDs. Even more importantly, Nair for men now has a "new look" in a macho-looking silver and blue aluminum can for use on "legs" "back" "chest" and/or "arms," and it now has "advanced technology." All this made me feel a little less self-conscious about purchasing this product along with the Prince CDs, and a Diet Pepsi. But nonetheless, when I asked for cash back from my credit card while making the purchase, the cashier said it would be no problem, but then rang me up quickly with no cash back and no signature required. It was almost as if she thought I was some sort of a freak and wanted to get me out of there as fast as possible. Little did she know what I had in store for later that evening.

The easy thing to do would have been to simply open the package and actually listen to Valente's CD, but that would be too simple. I wanted a build up to the big event. So instead I ripped the CD into my iTunes library. Since the full album isn't available on iTunes (although the single "Another Boy" is), I had to scan the CD cover and manually insert the artwork into my digital library because images of the album's cover aren't easily found on the Internet. Seems Prince has a tight leash on all his content, unless of course you spring $77 for a LotusFlow3r.com membership, and that's why I'm unable to share any music or videos of Bria for you to sample here. (You can legally hear a snatch of Bria's "Another Boy" along with a few new Prince tunes on the Target site here). Instead, you'll just have to be entertained by the utterly fascinating details about my life.

In the early evening with Elixer uploaded to my iPod, I decided the time was right. I asked my lovergirl if she was ready to give me my "treatment" and stripped down. I carefully fingered my iPod to "Bria Valente," inserted it into the iHome clock radio dock in the boudoir, and let the magic happen. As Bria cooed "here eye come," in the opening track of the same name, the first thing that popped in my mind was, "Yikes!!! That sh@ts cold!!!" Not sensual sounds of Ms. Valente, mind you, but that Nair for men that my lovergirl was applying to my backside. As the treatment continued, we eased into Bria's second track, "All This Love" which chugged along with a sultry groove. Save for the fact that the Nair was cold, it was a pleasurable experience, but we only got a few songs into Elixer before I had to take a cold shower. Seems if you leave that Nair stuff on for too long, it will not only remove your hair, it'll burn your skin.

Back some months ago, when Prince shared the evening with the L.A. Times' Ms. Powers, he bragged or warned that "a whole lot of people are gonna get pregnant off of this!" while previewing a track from Elixer. I can safely say that didn't happen last night with my lovergirl, who just happens to be my wife and "partner for life." But I can tell you this, Bria Valente's Elixer--combined with a little Nair--left me feeling silky smooth. How about you? Are you interested in Prince's latest protégé enough to run out to Target and pick up the CDs or join LotusFlow3r.com?