Lady Sovereign News

A few months ago, a Lady Sovereign fan named Zach Slow successfully campaigned via his viral website, helpmegetrandomwithladysovereign.com, for a date with the rising young British rapper. Slow raised $10,000 on his website, which he and Sovereign spent on an SUV limo, a harbor cruise in a private yacht, and a luxury suite at a five-star hotel. Unfortunately, after their date their friendship soured, with the two exchanging insults in The San Francisco Chronicle. (Slow even claims Sovereign dissed his grandmother.) And now their feud has grown even more bizarre.

This past Tuesday night, a Slow comrade and amateur MC named "Jelly Donut" (who originally gained his 15 minutes of cyberfame rapping on Slow's website, begging Sovereign to go on the date) went to Sovereign's San Francisco concert--and hijinks quickly ensued. Believe it or not, Mr. Donut (who, it should be noted, attended the show wearing a giant foam-rubber donut cosutme) has actually released a statement about what transpired:

"We decided to take the beef to the next level the way most hip-hoppers do: a battle. It's not the easiest thing in the world to arrange a rap battle between a pastry and Jay Z's newest nuisance, so we decided to go guerilla. Yes, a hostile jelly flood at her January 8th show at Mezzanine in San Francisco.

"Zach and some other homies secured about 50 tickets to the show, while other friends got their own. We met at a secret warehouse (kind of like the bat cave, but with more stoners hanging around) to go over our plan of getting the Donut in the door and wreaking havoc during the dirty munchkin's performance. Amidst cheers and gulps of Sparks, our rag tag band of ninjas reworked the plan. We hit Mezzanine and there was an electric buzz in the air, with a hint of raspberry.

"With the Donut covered in 'I Love SOV' signs, there was no problem getting the giant thing in the door (although the donut suit is forever scarred having donned such profane accessories). Now we just had to spread the word and get krunk.

"Our team of about 70 peeps handed out pictures of a jelly donut and explained the beef. By the time the SOB went on, the entire crowd knew sh*t was about to go down. I was positioned just a few rows back from the stage, surrounded by ma krispy krew.

"As planned, after SOV's fourth song, I threw the Donut on and some homies lifted me up. Over a hundred people started chanting 'Battle Jelly Donut! Battle Jelly Donut!' It was awe-inspiring. The lil' brat tried to continue with her next song, but she couldn't nail the lyrics. The crowd continued the chant through the entire song. It was like the song's new f**king refrain. Beautiful.

"Once that ditty finished, SOV started to crack. The chant continued and hundreds of people were waving the donut pictures...People threw jelly donut pictures onstage and she wiped her a** with one. Classsssy. 'BATTLE JELLY DONUT! BATTLE JELLY DONUT!' Did. Not. Stop. Her next reaction was to take an entire vodka red bull and throw it in my face (and all over the donut and surrounding fans). That was bold, because she relies heavily on such beverages to fuel her lackluster performances. We came back louder. I was shouting, 'Gimmie a mic! Two minutes! Let's do this! You dissed me!' Her vodka red bull was soaking into the dough and mingling with the jelly. I was AMPED.

"The next display from this 'artist' was the definition of grace. She hawked a crumpet-sized loogie that landed on the donut, missing my face by an inch. (One might harken back to Pumpkin's assault on New York in the high society reality-drama 'Flavor of Love') Now, she had a good vantage point from which to launch the loog, but her accuracy was still pretty astonishing. It may have, in fact, been the most impressive achievement of her entire tour. You could naively claim that her massive sinus chunk's near bulls-eye was a result of dumb luck, but foul members of the semi-professional spitting world will tell you otherwise; this ho is well-trained in the art of Lung-fu. I was NOT her first spitting victim, fair readers. In fact, before she launched her sticky missile, I could have sworn I saw her neck ruffle out a little bit like those little spitter dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.

"Everything she did just enraged the crowd further. The chant continues. She's pissed. She pretends to jump into the crowd to kick me. 'BRING IT!' I shout. Her security guys are ready for action. The last thing I hear her say to them is 'If you don't dropkick him, I'm gonna do it.' Her bitching is louder than her bite. The security guards move on me and pull me through the crowd towards the exit. My last view is of drinks and jelly donut pictures being thrown at her. The last thing I hear, a mix of boos and 'Battle Jelly Donut!'

"So then I'm out in the alley, just breathing in what went down. It's f**king fun to be a donut. Homies start pouring out of her show. We're all jumping around, replaying the scene. Not long after, the show ends and the rest of the crowd spills out. I'm still in Jelly Donut mode and a lot of peeps want to see what the hype is all about. Inspector Double Negative drops a beat and I launch into some SOV-bashing cipher sh*t (we'll get some video up soon). Now this is the kind of SPITTING that hip-hoppers usually engage in during battles. Maybe the UKs different. I doubt it though. The crowd is huge and the 'JELLY DONUT!' chant resumes. I predict that this party's not stopping til po po shows up. I mean, we're crowded around the lil' gremlin's tour bus! The dwarf can't leave the building with the mayhem outside. I'm guessing she's investigated all prospects of how she could spit her way out. Her last option is to get the fine men and women of the SFPD to break up the party. I'm not going to jail for that lil' stinker, so we roll out, proud that we fully represented the Bay, baked goods and grandmas alike. Thanks Bay Area, for sticking up for what is right, sweet and delicious.

"And if you're reading this SOB, the beef is on the grill. You spat on the wrong pastry. If you ever get the eggs enough to have that battle, I'm waiting. Otherwise, you never know where the jelly might bubble up."

Lady Sovereign has yet to tell her side of this increasingly strange story.